nottakinmyheart (nottakinmyheart) wrote,

thursday and friday

well, this weekend prooved to be better than last weekend. met back up with one of my friends debbie that i used to work with at steak n shake. missed her forever and a day. it feels like dejavu running into people i used to hang out with and being able to be friends and hang out with them again.

last night went out to eat at dittos with my friends n'shoba and jonathon. he's my friend from school and she is my friend through another best friend of ours that recently moved to georgia to marry her fiance that is in the army. they are going to be moving to germany, which is even further away. so that means a less chance of seeing her or being able to visit her less often.

but anyway, after ditto's we went to my friend debbie's house and we all got dressed up to go to msl. at least debbie and i did. jonathon was already dressed up and n'shoba just wore what she had on. they put me in this cute red little outfit with red fishnet stockings and then debbie did my make up and hair. i'm not goth at all, but it is just fun to do something different and interesting every once in a while. i know some people think that is not good or trying to get attention. but it's my way of having fun. i like trying new things and experiencing life a little bit right now. never got to go through the normal teenager phase that everyone else did. or what ever the hell you want to call it.

well, we got there at msl about twelve or so. the band called artifical zero was playing. they are fucking awesome. the girl in the band, her name is invadia i think is how you spell it. has a wonderful voice. i didn't know techno music could really be sung like that, but they did a damn good job. a lot of our other friends were up there. my other friend adam was there, then jennifer and paul and sean and a whole list of people i cann't even put all of their names on here. but i am starting to learn how to dance to techno music. my friend adam T. is teaching me now to and debbie and some other people. they try to get me to look into their eyes to keep the rythm with them, but i'm not that great at it yet. just gotta keep on trying.

next friday is queen of the damned at msl. we all get to dress up as a queen of the damned character and i think they judge the best outfit or something. i'm not sure on that one, just guessing from random conversation. my friend n'shoba wants to go but she has to work her clinical the next day. but she had a blast she said last night. the last time she went she didn't have that good of a time cuz' two people that started talking to her were talking about how pointless life was and problems with his ex girlfriend and what not. but i interoduced her to the friends i hang out with and we always meet a lot more people as well. so she just started talking and dancing and hanging out with everyone. i was kind of nervous when she said that she said she would come back again. but i had introduced her to some of them before we went to the club and aren't all sad and depressing and openly accept anyone to talk to or hang out with. but it all turned out good.

i'm still feeling bad about the last relationship or what ever you want to call it thing. i want to hang out with him and all that. but i'm just so afraid if i call him or ask him too. i don't know, i think too much. i'm just afraid things would get worse, or that i would say something stupid to mess it up again. i know all that's just in my imagaination, but i can't help but think that cuz of some of the things he said to me.

and i talked to my friend debbie that is wiccan/pagan. she said that i am living the wiccan lifestyle by harmony and balance and peaceful nature etc. so i am wiccan, not pagan. and she said that witchcraft is usually used in the wrong term as well. i'm not getting into all that. so at least i know how to explain myself to him there if i talk to him again.

i just feel like an ass cuz i messed things up with him and my other friend a long time ago. i never mean too. i mean, i'm not good at this dating/going out or what ever the hell. i'm scared too death of disappointment and as a result of that i have lost two good friends in the last couple of years because one of them i tried to hook up with them. the other one i'm not getting into again. but i wish i could just hang out with them and talk with them like i used to before i messed everything up. i wish i could tell themn this to their faces. but i'm just so afraid they would laugh at me and reject me again.

so i am running the other way from both of them. they won't know how i hurt for my mistakes. they won't know how stupid i feel for what i did. i love them both dearly as friends and i am ashamed of myself. i don't think i could face them again without crying my eyes out and turning away and running, or apologizing and crying my eyes out at the same time. part of me thinks maybe this is for the better that things worked out this way. but the other half of me wishes i could change things.

i'm so damned mad at myself. if only i could see them again and just all of us hang out like nothing ever happened. but that will never happen. my cheezy day dream is to see them up at petrus or msl even though either of them would step foot in there. but i would love to see them and both of them give me big hugs and say everything is ok between all of us. that we all make mistakes and screw up. but that will never happen. only in my dreams and wishing. so even though neither of them read this, i apologize to both of you. you both know who you are. i wish i could say this to your face, but my heart is too scarred to face you. i just hope some day that both of you can forgive me.
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