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8th June, 2005. 1:19 am. more confused!

well, now i'm not sure what the heck is going on. one minute they like you the next they dont or what ever it is? i dont know what to say or have anythiing to really go on, on what i should do that is. hopefully something good will come out of the nature soon instead of bad.

Current mood: annoyed.

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22nd May, 2005. 7:25 pm. lifes a two way street get over it honey...

well, i had a boyfriend for about five days. then he tells me tht he just wants to hang out and not take it as fast. that he likes some other girls. which i dont care. but i feel like second best and that i have to beg him to spend time with him. hes seen the other girl like two almost three times this week. i love her too death anyway, but it doesnt change how my feelings have kind of been disgreguarded in a way.

i wasnt even pushing anything in the relationship either. we just talked and hung out with friends. now if i ask him to hang out hes like, we'll see. he barely ask me if i want to hang out anymore. and then when i ask him hes usually going to hang out with friends or with her as well and everyone else. its like i dont even exist anymore. he had mentioned something about going to the museum the week before and he never brought it back up after he said he just wanted to hang out and stuff like that. i didnt bring it up because i wanted to see if hed remember or at least think about it a little. but he didnt.

we are supposedly going to hang out tonight but i'm nervous. i feel like i'm forcing him to even though i just asked and he said it was ok. but i feel like its more of an obligation than something he would rather do. i just wish people would stop changing their minds. if you like me fine, thats all good. if you dont, dont play games with me or what ever they are called.

most of my friends are guys and i like one other person as well. he is very nice too. but i dont know him aswell as i know the other guy yet. and as far as a serious relationship goes eventually in the far future, i dont know. if people keep on playing these mind games with me i just might as well give up altogether. like i was doing in the first place. its a hell of a lot easier then getting your heart stomped on all the time.

Current mood: crushed.

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3rd May, 2005. 12:40 pm. well...

well, things have still been going good. but starting to get a little annoyed with all of the picking on that i get in the mojo forums. its supposed to be non serious, but they are mean as hell sometimes in there. luckily i have a friend that is helping me learn the ropes a little bit. two of my friends arent on here as much as they used to be. so i dont have their help as much anymore. westicles deleted his account and then starwolf is working a lot and has stuff he has to deal with at home. so i'm learning to fend for myself in the forums. the student lounge and the religion forums are ok. its just the louisville's non-serious drivil forum that people seem to be jackasses in sometimes. i dont let them know it gets to me. i just say something back usually. but there are times when i just wish that person was here so i could say what i really wanted too. but i am a nice person. so i never say what i really want to when it comes to the forums. at least not in that one. i am just going to continue to keep being myself and those that take the time will come to like me for who i am. those that dont, i cant do anything about that. not everyone is going to like you in this lifetime or the next.

thursdays i really look forward too. but since westicles has deleted his account on mojo and starwolf isnt on there as much. i dont get to see or talk to either of them hardly at all. they are two of the guy friends i have that i can tell anything too. that i know wont give a fuck and still like me and appreciate me for who i am. those are the kind of people that i greatly respect. i'm starting to get their attitudes about not caring what other people think and saying what i want too. but that still doesnt replace them. i am not calling them either because i dont want to sound like the desperate friend that misses them. how lame would that be? call them up and be like, "yeah, i miss you, please come out on thursday or what ever." tell me how stupid that sounds! they would laugh at me probably!

no one reads my journal really, thankfully. so i dont have to worry about anyone knowing how i really feel about these things.
i have one friend that knows, but he is the only one that knows how much i miss those two. other than that i wont tell a soul. it wouldnt make a difference if i did anyway.

aside from all of that things are going great. i am gaining so much confidence and uplifting myself instead of putting myself down when someone else does. at the same time i dont bring myself down to their level and get back at them like they would probably want me too. i'm finding out who my real friends are pretty quickly. i'm still in the dating scene which is good for me right now. i dont think i could handle a serious relationship as of yet. i have done that my whole live long life since i started dating at nineteen. i was serious with every boyfriend i ever went out with. so now is just my time to unwind and live life and have fun while i still can. its working so far.

well, this is all for now. if anything else interesting happens the next couple of days i will be sure to type it in here.

Current mood: crushed.

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24th April, 2005. 10:55 am. life

enjoyingthe hell out of life lately. even when its boring as hell it's good to relax sometimes. i just wish i could get a photography job and get out there and make money for that alone. but alas, never know when someone will want something done. so i just stay working with old people as well at the retirement home. i love thursdays at petrus and fridays at msl when i choose to go there. meeting a lot of cool people on mojo through other friends i have known for a while. hope i keep continuing to make the right decisions. =)

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22nd April, 2005. 2:24 pm. a poem by one of my friends steve-o

Say what you say and think what you think
Just know this much,
You don’t know me

Love what is fun and hate everyone
Just don’t forget
That you aren’t anyone

Special, you think you’re so special
Just go to Vegas and see if it all goes well
Know your enemy because your enemy is you
Now what do you think about that?

Shoot it! Shoot it! Fake a smile and feel the rush
Maybe it’s love
No it’s only drugs

Dirty hallways, puddles and landmines
Why would I live here
Just another pet to clean up after

Special, your think you’re so fucking special
Just go to Vegas and see if it all goes well
Know your enemy and know your enemy is you
Now what do you think about that?

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14th April, 2005. 11:26 am. help!!

well, life keeps getting more and more interesting with all the mojo people i'm meeting through friends i have known already for years. but i still miss some other friends a lot that i messed things up with. but i am too afraid to call and i refuse to let them know that i even care. being nice gets you no where, so why should i care. but i do. i can't help it. i just wish i wasn't so chickenshit to talk to them. but i'm just afraid i'll make more of a mess of things if i do. maybe it was meant to be this way. damn fate and her cruelty.

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12th April, 2005. 2:38 pm. yesterday

well, yesterday started out pretty boring. then that night after work it got a little more exciting. i hadn't planned on going back up to the coffee shop at night, ever. but my friend fargon had told me if i get bored to come to the tap room or the backdoor bars off of bardstown road. so i ended up going up to highland coffee and then we hung out there for a little bit. then we went up to the tap room at nine thirty-ten. he showed me around the place. it is smaller than the coffee house almost, but it's nice because you get to talk to people easier and not feel as crowded as other places. things hadn't picked up yet so we went over to the backdoor for a little bit. it was boring over there too so he walked me back over to the tap room. people over there are more my around my age. people over at the backdoor were a little bit of an older crowd.

fargon ended up leaving so i talked to the bartender a little bit and the other people there. started talking to the dj that was in charge of the kareokee. he was nice to talk to, he gave me his number and i gave him mine. not looking for anything, but he seems like he'd be cool to hang out with at least. i sang highway to hell with one of the guys up there and a few other songs. i wasn't very good, but i had fun. going back tomorrow night when they have a band and kareokee playing as well. looking forward to it. =)

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11th April, 2005. 9:51 pm. photography jobs on the roll!

well, talked to the guy up at highland coffee that is helping getting me business with photography. he said when he gets his website up that he'd put my name on there and they would call me directly or e-mail me instead of having to go through him. so that will be sweet right there! things just seem to fall into place. i don't know how to describe it. despite all the sorta bad stuff that happened, or what i thought was bad weekend before last. everything is starting to look up. i hope it stays that way.

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9th April, 2005. 9:27 pm. boredom sucks

well, sitting here at the computer once again today. nothing else to do when you don't have much money. i get paid next friday. really looking forward to msl friday and petrus on thursday. till' then, no money, so no fun for a bit. =)

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9th April, 2005. 2:32 pm. thursday and friday

well, this weekend prooved to be better than last weekend. met back up with one of my friends debbie that i used to work with at steak n shake. missed her forever and a day. it feels like dejavu running into people i used to hang out with and being able to be friends and hang out with them again.

last night went out to eat at dittos with my friends n'shoba and jonathon. he's my friend from school and she is my friend through another best friend of ours that recently moved to georgia to marry her fiance that is in the army. they are going to be moving to germany, which is even further away. so that means a less chance of seeing her or being able to visit her less often.

but anyway, after ditto's we went to my friend debbie's house and we all got dressed up to go to msl. at least debbie and i did. jonathon was already dressed up and n'shoba just wore what she had on. they put me in this cute red little outfit with red fishnet stockings and then debbie did my make up and hair. i'm not goth at all, but it is just fun to do something different and interesting every once in a while. i know some people think that is not good or trying to get attention. but it's my way of having fun. i like trying new things and experiencing life a little bit right now. never got to go through the normal teenager phase that everyone else did. or what ever the hell you want to call it.

well, we got there at msl about twelve or so. the band called artifical zero was playing. they are fucking awesome. the girl in the band, her name is invadia i think is how you spell it. has a wonderful voice. i didn't know techno music could really be sung like that, but they did a damn good job. a lot of our other friends were up there. my other friend adam was there, then jennifer and paul and sean and a whole list of people i cann't even put all of their names on here. but i am starting to learn how to dance to techno music. my friend adam T. is teaching me now to and debbie and some other people. they try to get me to look into their eyes to keep the rythm with them, but i'm not that great at it yet. just gotta keep on trying.

next friday is queen of the damned at msl. we all get to dress up as a queen of the damned character and i think they judge the best outfit or something. i'm not sure on that one, just guessing from random conversation. my friend n'shoba wants to go but she has to work her clinical the next day. but she had a blast she said last night. the last time she went she didn't have that good of a time cuz' two people that started talking to her were talking about how pointless life was and problems with his ex girlfriend and what not. but i interoduced her to the friends i hang out with and we always meet a lot more people as well. so she just started talking and dancing and hanging out with everyone. i was kind of nervous when she said that she said she would come back again. but i had introduced her to some of them before we went to the club and aren't all sad and depressing and openly accept anyone to talk to or hang out with. but it all turned out good.

i'm still feeling bad about the last relationship or what ever you want to call it thing. i want to hang out with him and all that. but i'm just so afraid if i call him or ask him too. i don't know, i think too much. i'm just afraid things would get worse, or that i would say something stupid to mess it up again. i know all that's just in my imagaination, but i can't help but think that cuz of some of the things he said to me.

and i talked to my friend debbie that is wiccan/pagan. she said that i am living the wiccan lifestyle by harmony and balance and peaceful nature etc. so i am wiccan, not pagan. and she said that witchcraft is usually used in the wrong term as well. i'm not getting into all that. so at least i know how to explain myself to him there if i talk to him again.

i just feel like an ass cuz i messed things up with him and my other friend a long time ago. i never mean too. i mean, i'm not good at this dating/going out or what ever the hell. i'm scared too death of disappointment and as a result of that i have lost two good friends in the last couple of years because one of them i tried to hook up with them. the other one i'm not getting into again. but i wish i could just hang out with them and talk with them like i used to before i messed everything up. i wish i could tell themn this to their faces. but i'm just so afraid they would laugh at me and reject me again.

so i am running the other way from both of them. they won't know how i hurt for my mistakes. they won't know how stupid i feel for what i did. i love them both dearly as friends and i am ashamed of myself. i don't think i could face them again without crying my eyes out and turning away and running, or apologizing and crying my eyes out at the same time. part of me thinks maybe this is for the better that things worked out this way. but the other half of me wishes i could change things.

i'm so damned mad at myself. if only i could see them again and just all of us hang out like nothing ever happened. but that will never happen. my cheezy day dream is to see them up at petrus or msl even though either of them would step foot in there. but i would love to see them and both of them give me big hugs and say everything is ok between all of us. that we all make mistakes and screw up. but that will never happen. only in my dreams and wishing. so even though neither of them read this, i apologize to both of you. you both know who you are. i wish i could say this to your face, but my heart is too scarred to face you. i just hope some day that both of you can forgive me.

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